This is quite late, bleeding into the timeline for the week 4 post, but I wanted to write a reflection anyway because I have a lot to reflect upon.
I’ve been noticing the situations in which I struggle to be present. I have such a hard time with lectio divina on our large calls. I just can’t focus and I feel guilty for it, like I should be capable of presence at all times. Even though I shouldn’t feel guilty. On the other hand, I notice the moments when I am present: reading The Duty of Delight makes me feel so much more present to my family and the world around me. After sitting still with the book for an hour or two, time feels slower. I’m able to breathe more and respond with patience, running inane errands for my mom without complaint, resisting the urge to resent her for interrupting my cross-stitching!
On Monday, Casey and Angie said to me that they’d noticed such a big change in my writing since the first week of this workshop. I laughed because I knew that was coming! I see the apparent contradiction between my first post (so much indecision!) and my week 3 post. What’s happened, though, is that I’ve felt more capable of articulating a vision that has been within me for a long time. The week 3 dream didn’t come out of nowhere – it’s the long-term dream that’s been in the back of my mind for ages. The week 1 post reflects my uncertainty in terms of concrete next steps. Like, the dream has long felt half-real. How can I get there? I’m often caught up in the fears and logistics and in-between steps, a sense of distance between that imagined future and my present. In the past few weeks, though, I’ve more firmly claimed that dream, and that’s both terrifying and thrilling. The dream becomes a bit more solid with each articulation.
My group also helped me reflect upon my need to sleep, to give myself permission to rest. I know this, I know this, but it’s so hard to actually know it, like in my bones. I am very aware of how I have been conditioned, but knowing about the false gods of capitalism and productivity doesn’t make me automatically revoke my devotion to those gods. I’m trying. My reason for this late post is that I didn’t go on my computer all weekend, a retreat of sorts. I am trying.
Finally, Leah’s project has continued to inspire me to think more deeply about creativity in my life. I find myself thinking more about more about writing: why do I run from it? Do the reasons that I name really tell the whole story?