I have been surprised by how I have been affected by this workshop so far. It was really consoling and inspiring to take part in our group meeting on Wednesday. I felt encouraged and supported by the stories others shared and by the feedback I was given. And for the rest of the week, I’ve felt more grounded in who I am and in what I know. I’ve felt clear headed and confident. The panic has subsided.
I’m sticking with the question, “Why am I called?” a helpful and challenging redirect from “Am I called?” I’m also trying to be aware of the narratives at work in me that cause my fear of being inadequate (another helpful challenge). I think I will always be surprised at how powerful those narratives are when they are not exposed and how quickly they lose power when they are.
I think if I were to write my call story again, I would start with the parts of my life that feel unreconciled. (Thank you to those in my group who had the clarity and courage to do that). I think my work now is to recognize how it is those parts that are a core part of the answer of Why I Am Called. I should not be surprised that call would come from a space of great vulnerability, of brokenness, of pain, of disorientation and disillusion – that a call would actually be built on those experiences. And yet, I resist. How much depth and love and beauty have we (I) missed out on when we (I) haven’t acknowledged that truth?!
And I still feel a bit heavy hearted as I reflect on how counter-cultural those sentences are. But that’s a reflection for another time.
I felt held this week by the women in my group, by the leadership of this workshop and by all of the people who are bringing their hearts to this space. I am holding all of you in my heart as well.