As I have mulled over my week two writing, the conversations from the Zoom calls on Monday and Wednesday, the comments I received and my peers’ posts, I have felt a fresh and steady energy growing within me. A sense of sinking my roots deeper into the source and reaching up and out and open to let life force flow in and through me.
I have been stunned by what a precious gift it is to read what the others in this workshop are writing, to bear witness to the divine revelation and incarnation in their unique stories. The process of reading and praying with these holy texts has affirmed the part of myself that longs to connect on the soul level with other seekers.
Rhonda’s comment on my piece landed in a profound way. In response to my frustration that I’m not yet fully living into my priestly call, she reminded me of “the reality that there is never a “there” to get to, and there will always be new horizons opening before you/us.” This is one of the perennial truths that my heart seems to always need to learn again and again, on some deeper level.
I have struggled for as long as I can remember with the sense that the life I should be living is somehow always just out of reach, like a mirage on the horizon. I have wondered for years when I would arrive. Part of this is perfectionism, part of this is Enneagram Type Four baggage, and maybe part of this is the deceit of the contrary spirit.
It makes sense that this old familiar trap of the mirage would be popping up in the way I think about my call to priesthood. And maybe I’ve been so focused on the external factors that prevent me from just going ahead and being a priest already that I haven’t attended to this inner blockage.
So here is a new intention for this workshop: I will bring awareness to my tendency to put off my life until some indeterminate future, and I will practice welcoming myself home to my life as it is now, incomplete and imperfect as it is and as I am. I will choose to believe that God is here in me and in my life in the “ongoing becoming, ongoing living into, ongoing emergence, ongoing horizons opening unto new horizons.” (Rhonda’s words <3 )