I care because I can’t not care. I care because the stirring within me is too much to ignore. I care because if not me, who. Believe me, I’ve tried to ignore this feeling. I have stayed away from the Church, from my spiritual reading, from Scripture, from my women’s ministry groups, from anything that might call out to me for the past year. But the Spirit will not be ignored. That still small voice booms in my head and in my heart and I am stirred. I can’t not respond.
One of my grad school professors, Sr. Darlene, told us students to pay attention to what disturbs us, to what makes us cross our arms, cringe, and maybe even drives us to anger. She said that these are invitations to go deeper. These are signs of God calling us to go deeper. Well, if this is true, then the anger I feel, which has grown since I’ve stayed away, is booming loudly enough that I can’t ignore the invitation lest I forfeit the peace that surpasses all understanding. I say that because it’s hard to understand that peace can be borne of righteous anger.
I care because I love this Church, with all of its flaws. I don’t say “I am A Catholic,” rather I say “I am Catholic.” It is part of my identity. I tried running away from it but here I am. I love this Church, it belongs to me and I belong to it. I can’t just sit back and watch part of me get ripped to shreds by those who can’t or won’t see the Spirit at work in a way that threatens their way of life, their power, their egos or whatever it is that is blinding them. If I am not part of the solution, then I am part of the problem. The Spirit is stirring within me, calling me to action, and the Spirit won’t be ignored! I have something to give, I need to go deeper and find out that that “something” is if I ever hope to have true peace in my life.
I care because I am blessed. I have seen God at work in my life through good times and bad; through infertility, divorce, war and peace, children gone astray, grandchildren, friends, nature, career, sickness and health. God has not forsaken me. God has sent the Holy Spirit to live within me and she won’t be evicted!
So here I am, Lord. It is I, Lord. I have heard you calling in the night. I will go, Lord, if you lead me. I will hold your people in my heart.